Holding up a mirror.
Awareness is a mirror reflecting the Four Elements. Beauty is a heart that generates love and a mind that is open.
— gatha, Thich Nhat Hanh *
One summer, I attended a retreat at the Dharma Centre of Canada in which our focus was an experiential dive into the elements — five of them in the Buddhist system: Earth, Water, Fire, and Air/Wind like many other traditions. In the fifth one, Space, the other four elements are making their dance of manifestation. We practised Kasina meditation with each element so that it developed a resonance within us — on many levels. It was interesting to see the variety of psychological responses to the different elements. Some people found earth to be claustrophobic whereas others found it to be grounding. While water gave some people a sense of drowning, others felt a sense of flow and integration. Fire, of course, could bring on heat and desire/rage for some and for others, the warmth of loving kindness and compassion. Air, again, could be suffocating for some folks whereas for others it brought ease of movement. Space, well, that's pretty intangible and gets into the real mystery of spiritual practice and our true nature. Contemplating space can be unnerving in the way it leaves one groundless and it can be peaceful in the way it creates a sense of openness that embraces everything. Each retreatant experienced release and insights of some kind.
A big release happened for me towards the end of the retreat practising with fire. We were circled around a bonfire and held wire hoops before us as circular windows into the flames and smoke. I experienced strong visceral memories of meditative evenings by the fire on my many camping trips. Suddenly the nostalgia for those long rewarding days of canoe tripping in the wilderness overwhelmed me. I left the heat of the fire to lie down on a cool stone bench mostly, I thought, to cool down. As my back met the cool stone, a depth of unacknowledged grief welled up. I mourned the loss of the strength and agility I once had and I ached for those precious lakes and hills, white pines and rocky shores. I began to cry and then sob uncontrollably. My teacher had followed me, intuitively knowing that something had surfaced for me. When I could, I said in gulps of air, “I realize why I loved camping so much: I was immersed in the elements. And it’s okay; the elements, I see now, are always all around me.”
In wilderness, it’s so obvious that that’s true. Further to that, I clearly saw the elements are also within me, in all of us. In many ways, there is no difference between the elements in the environment and the elements in our bodies. That sameness had effect on me the last day of the retreat when I sat for at least two hours beside a river listening to frogs plopping off lily pads, ducks swimming and chattering, and the wind rustling in the trees. It's a really magical spot there by Beaver Dam cabin if you ever find yourself at the DCC. I stared up through the fanned pattern of pine needle branches to the deep blue sky. I followed the antics of a squirrel agitated by my presence. Then it happened. It used to happen while I was camping, but this time I could recognize it. When the mind gets so absolutely still and quiet, there is nothing other than the mirror of Awareness reflecting itself. Or the face of God/dess. Or the sound of one hand clapping. Call it what you will. All the attributes of a conditioned mind drop away in this pure experience.
So when I came across the gatha, above, I printed it out and put it on my bathroom mirror partly because it reminded me of that moment — a clear seeing that is more common for me these days, but was new and exciting back then. I put those phrases on the mirror also in part because I was experiencing disconcerting side effects from medication. My appearance was changing so fast I did not recognize myself in the mirror. Prednisone was rapidly puffing up my body and facial features in an unnatural way. In the end, these changes were a great boon to my spiritual practice for two reasons. One, letting go of the clingy obsession with body image was made easier since it was so clear that this body is a fleeting constellation of changing happenings, of causes and conditions, of elements. And totally beyond my control. This further dissolved my identity as an unchanging and personal self into a softer and more open beingness that judges less and loves more. It doesn’t always resist or cling to what is happening; it flows.
Morning Loon, 2018, acrylic, 12x18”
Two. Then as I moved through everyday life, it was surprising and interesting to find that something was missing — in a good way. I had never noticed my mind’s habit of constantly comparing body types: like me (okay) and not like me (not okay). This process of judgment was hidden from conscious awareness, but experienced as my reality, my truth. Such tricks of the mind are like shields that we carry around and that lead to all kinds of -isms. My gosh, what a relief to see that process, drop it, and meet experience with more openness, curiosity, and compassion. There is so much more variety when life isn't divided into like-me and not-like-me! It is an ongoing process; to see all the ways we accept whatever the mind tells us and thereby open to curiosity instead. For me it still unfolds years later as even more changes happen to this body and as the conditioned habits of a lifetime continue to unravel.
We can make our minds so like still water that beings gather about us that they may see, it may be, their own images, and so live for a moment with a clearer, perhaps even with a fiercer life because of our quiet.
— William Butler Yeats
True beauty, as the gatha says, is a mind that is open, meaning it has dropped much of its conditioning, its guards and spears, shields and archers. It is like a still forest pool as the Buddhists say. True beauty is a heart that is not shrouded in hate or guarded in defensiveness and rather generates love. True beauty is a mirror that when looked upon reflects that which is purest in us, that which is divine.
At least, we can aspire to that.
~
*Verses for daily living in Present Moment Wonderful Moment by Thich Nhat Hanh.
My upcoming online 5-week meditation course is a meditative immersion in the elements: more info here.
The Dharma Centre of Canada, where so many folks like myself have experienced life-changing retreats, is undergoing some major renewal projects. These include making some more accessible spaces. I'm excited about this as it means I may be able to visit this unique and beautiful centre again. These projects need champions and if you feel moved to join me in helping, read more here or donate here.
